Geburtstag Verrücktheit
by Mint Pizza Queen
Summary: It's Edward's birthday, and chaos ensues. Chaos that consists of Armstrong's lethal sparkles, Hughes' torturous photo albums, and Havoc's suggestion of Anger Management, that is. Implied EdRiza and some implied EdRoss in a way. [COMPLETED]


**A/N:** I'd like to dedicate this story to my good friend **Raven X. Wolf** just because it's her birthday. Happy Birthday friend!

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**Caution: **I'm hyper off fan fiction and _Cheez-It_ crackers. Pairings are random; some I kinda hinted more at are RossEd and RizaEd. _(evil)_

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**Disclaimer:** I get the cake! _(steals cake and runs off laughing insanely)_

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**Geburtstag-Verrücktheit**

Edward hated birthdays. He hated them because they signified that the person whose birth was on that day was getting older. Edward hated that thought, even though he was only a teen. However, it also signified that it was another year that passed where he had his brother stuck in that damned suit of armor.

His commander, Roy Mustang, decided that it would be a lovely occasion to celebrate the boy's birthday. He invited Winry and her grandma, Hawkeye, the Hughes Family _(and included a warning that existed along the lines of "bring photos and you die"), _Armstrong, Havoc, Fuery, Broche, Ross, Sciezka, Breda, Farman, and anyone else who wanted cake. Much to Ed's chagrin, nearly _half_ the military came.

"Fullmetal, get your ass over here."

_Twitch._ "Excuse me?" Edward huffed. He wasn't in the mood for opening presents, nor eating any cake.

Roy tapped his foot impatiently on the floor as he scowled at the birthday boy. "I said 'get your ass over here'. I didn't stutter. What's a birthday party without the main attraction?"

"I hate parties."

Roy rolled his eyes as he grabbed the boy's flesh arm and dragged across the cafeteria floor. "Come on, there's cake, punch _(not spiked),_ and a whole bunch of other goodies. Gracia busted her ass for you and her daughter, so get partying."

Ed groaned and he didn't even bother to resist. He knew it was futile to _try_ to stop the man from dragging him.

_Just go with the flow. _

Roy yanked the boy so he held him a good foot off the ground and grinned. "Ladies, and gentlemen, and _shrimps_ as well—"

Ed fumed. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT—"

"I'd like to present to you our guest of honor number one: Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist." Roy ignored the still ranting boy and slowly lowered the alchemist to his feet.

_'Death, __Roy__ will suffer a painful death,'_ Edward thought to himself as he straightened his attire, _'how shall he die though? Blasting him with an alchemized cannon? Nah, too much cleanup…'_

"As you know, he became the youngest person ever to become a State Alchemist…"

_'I could transmute a bunch of rabid squirrels or something from the party food and have them eat him alive. Oh, crap, that would scare Elysia…'_

"…He's been on quite a few missions over the years he's been with us, and has shown that he is, _indeed_, just as tough as us. Anything you would like to add to that, **pipsqueak**?"

_'Guillotine? Poison? Sick Winry on him when she's PMSing? Trick Riza into thinking he's a new target? Wait; did he just call me pipsqueak?'_

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN'T REACH HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES?"

Roy sweatdropped. "I didn't say that."

Edward crossed arms. "You were thinking it." _'Yup. Rabid squirrels it shall be.'_

Roy ignored the birthday boy's comment and continued with his speech. "Our guest of honor number two is Elysia Hughes!" Roy waved a hand at the child who began to giggle with joy upon her daddy's shoulders. Maes' grin was so big that he could've shoved the entire cake into his mouth. _Ice cream included._

* * *

"Hey, boss!" 

Ed looked up from the table and glared. "What do you want, Havoc?"

Jean grinned, took the toothpick out of his mouth, and tossed it into a trashcan. "Just wanted to say _'Happy Birthday'_ to yah." He paused for a moment. "Hey, are yah anti-social or something?"

"I try."

Havoc chuckled. "No wonder people like to get you riled up. You never talk."

Ed rolled his eyes. Havoc held out an envelope and had a smirk on his face. "Here, for you. Not much, but it'll do for now."

Ed took the envelope and opened it slowly. He didn't notice Havoc sneak away snickering and join up with several other military personnel. Inside the envelope was a birthday card, and a note written inside. He read it to himself.

_'Hey Boss,  
__  
Happy Birthday! I couldn't get you anything for your birthday, seeing as I would be getting my paycheck after your birthday. However, what I found for you will pay in the long run! See back of card for details._

_-Havoc'_

Edward flipped the card over and furrowed his eyebrows. On the back was a taped business card with the words_ **'Anger Management' **_written in big, black, bold letters.

"HAVOC!"

As Havoc said, _it'll pay in the long run._

* * *

"See? In this picture Elysia is eating her first birthday cake! It was made of chocolate and had a special frosting surprise inside of it! When she found it, she began to giggle! See! I have a photo of it right here!" Hughes flipped through his many stacks of photos and exposed the next photo with a smiling baby girl. 

Sciezka cringed each time he shoved a photo in her face. _'Party? Cake? Giggling girls? AAAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!' _

"E-e-excuse me, sir, I have to use the restroom." She quickly shot up from her seat and made a mad-dash for the ladies' room.

Hughes' face fell. Instead of feeling defeated, he looked for his next victim. _Ah, there!_ Who else other than to show pictures to? _The birthday boy!_

* * *

"—and here she's riding her first tricycle! See? She followed me around all over the yard on that toy! And there was a special little bell that she'd ring everytime I'd come home from work! ISN'T SHE CUTE?" 

_Twitch. Twitch. Groan. **'Let me die, please!'**_

"Yeah, she's adorable."

"SEE? I TOLD YOU!"

Edward tried to crawl away only to be yanked back into the chair by Hughes who had another album of photos. Edward mentally prayed from someone, **_anyone_**, to come and rescue him from this horrible fate.

A shadow fell over Edward and Hughes looked up and waved. "Hey, Armstrong! Want to see some photos of—"

"I have seen all of your photos," The large man gruffed, "I am here to talk to Edward for a moment. Will you excuse us?"

Hughes' lower lip puckered out. "_Okaaaaay._" He grabbed his albums and went in search of his next victim.

_Poor Fuery never saw what hit him._

* * *

Edward would've kissed this guy's feet if his pride hadn't got the better of him. Instead, he flashed a grin and gave a _'thumb's up'_. "Thanks for saving me; I would've been a goner if you hadn't come." 

Armstrong merely closed his eyes and a small smile played on his face. "It was my only duty to save you, Edward, from that horrible fate. I have seen what happens to men who had to put up with Hughes' photo album collection. If you think it is bad now with his daughter, you should've seen it back when he was dating Gracia."

Edward cringed. He pitied whoever had to share a dorm with him.

"However, that is all small talk as of now. Back to the celebration!" Armstrong tore off his shirt and the dastardly pink sparkles appeared out of nowhere and began to litter the entire cafeteria with their glittery-ness.

"Oi! You got sparkles in the punch!"

Two soldiers stood off to the side and stared at the muscular man. One of the men spoke as the other took a sip of punch from a paper cup.

"Why did he rip his shirt off?"

"I heard that it was one of his many ways of using alchemy."

"Woah, crazy alchemy."

"Tell me about it." He sipped from the paper cup once again.

* * *

Fuery backed as close to the wall as he could, trying to avoid the photo maniac. Hughes was now on his fifteenth volume and wasn't even breaking a sweat. Fuery, however, was in both terror and from thinking so hard. 

_'Escape, must escape, no exit, no! Must run! Feet must move! Feet don't listen to me though, RUN FEET RUN! Ah, crud. Oh! Someone's coming to my rescue!'_

Hughes turned the page only to feel a hand on his shoulder. He looked at the hand closely and saw the alchemic drawing on it, which meant it could only mean one thing…

"Hey, Roy! Wanna look at some photos?"

_Snap._

* * *

Edward had just about enough with this party. He was going to find Winry, Al, and Pinako and high tail out of the place and leave all the squabbling chickens to do their own thing. He spotted the three across the room and a delighted grin passed his lips. _'Yes! There they are! Now to get to them and—oh crap…'_

Lieutenant Maria Ross approached with a large sized gift-wrapped box and smiled. "Hello, Edward. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday and give this to you. I've already given Elysia her gift, so it's your turn." She held it out with a calm smile.

Edward reluctantly took it and held it up. It was heavy in weight, what did she get that was this big?

He tore off the paper slowly and came to a cardboard box. He paused before the pulled the flaps off to peek inside. His eyes widened.

Inside was a brand new pair of boots. He could smell the leather that revealed just how new they were.

He pulled them out and admired them. "Wow, these are amazing!"

"Try them on to make sure they fit. I don't want them to be too small or too big."

Edward pulled off his old boots and quickly slipped on the new ones. They fit just right.

"They are awesome! Thanks! How did you ever—"

She waved a finger at him. "You should never ask how much we spent on a present. Nor on where the present was bought at. I hope you enjoy them. I saw that yours were getting to the point of falling apart, so I got these. Hope you like."

Edward finally took his pride, buried it into the pit of his mind, and hugged the woman. He grinned with a childish expression and looked up at her. "Thank you so much!"

She blinked, then a crimson blush spread on her face. "Y-you are very welcome, Ed."

* * *

"Aw, Roy! You didn't have to destroy all the photos did you?" 

Roy's eyebrow twitched as he dragged the man across the cafeteria to his wife who was seated at a table with Elysia helping the young child open presents. "Yes, because you ignored my warning."

"But—but—"

"No buts. I warned you, and you chose to ignore the warning. For that, you were punished. Now you are to stay with your wife and not torment anyone else. You are lucky I didn't fry _you_."

Hughes crossed his arms and pouted some more.

* * *

_'Almost there. Almost there. Almost there. Almost there.'_

Edward slinked through the crowd unnoticed _(maybe it was a good thing that he was small)_ and was almost to the trio when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

_'What now?'_

"Edward, where are you off to?"

Ed turned his head slowly to see Hawkeye looking at him curiously. "I'm trying to get to Al, Winry, and Pinako so I get high-tail it out of here."

Hawkeye appeared faltered for a moment, but nodded. "I'll lead you through. However, you have to promise me one thing."

Ed frowned. "What?"

Riza handed him a white box with silver ribbon on it with a card tucked neatly underneath. "Please take this and don't open it until you get home, okay?"

Ed took the box and gave a small salute. "Sure thing."

With that, Riza plowed through the crowd with Ed close behind. It took a shorter amount of time with her leading, and soon the birthday boy was high tailing it back to the hotel to escape the chaos.

* * *

"Riza, where's Al? Where are Winry and her grandma? And furthermore, where's Edward?" 

Riza looked up from her glass of water and calmly replied, hiding the smile that was threatening to come out. "They left. Emergency."

Roy scowled. "Why didn't they tell me?"

"You were too busy charcoaling Hughes."

Roy sweatdropped. "Oh yeah…"

* * *

"Nii-san, why did we leave the party?" 

Edward flopped onto his bed with the box and looked at it curiously. "There was too much chaos for me. I couldn't take it with Hughes stalking me with photos or Havoc implying that I should go to Anger Management…"

"What?"

"Never mind. Uh, can you go help Winry and Pinako? I think they're calling."

Al heard Winry's disgruntled cry and instantly left the room to assist the girl and her grandma.

Ed admired the silk ribbon wrapped snugly around the box. It was a shame if he were to break it or tear it, so he carefully undid the knot on the back and slipped it off gently. He smiled as he folded the ribbon and tucked it into his jacket's pocket.

He took his flesh hand and slowly lifted the lid off the box and peered inside. Inside was a set of brand new gloves and a single white hair ribbon, along with a rose. He peered at the card and read the little note inside.

_'Dear Edward, _

I know by the time you are reading this you never want to hear 'happy' and 'birthday' in the same sentence, but this is the last time it'll be said today. Hopefully.

_Happy Birthday. _

_You've grown so much since I first met you. You've matured into a wonderful young man. Although if anyone else were to read that line, they'd probably keel over laughing. However, they don't know you like I know you.  
__  
They've never seen the man who vowed to restore what he's broken. _

They've never seen the man who's saved countless lives when he could've just walked away.

_They've never seen the man who held his head up high when things seemed to be at a standstill. _

_I've seen that man in you. You may think I'm joking or you may think I'm on drugs or something, but I'm not. I'm telling the truth. _

_Just because you have a little fit every now and then doesn't mean you're immature. If you think you're a childish brat, you should've seen __Roy__'s temper tantrums. They are, in fact, worse than yours are. No fooling. _

_I hope you like the new gloves and the hair tie. It is ironic that today is also White Day. I'm surprised that __Roy__ didn't give you something like this. Instead, he threw the party for you. _

Anyway, I bet you're getting sick of my rambling. All in all, have a good birthday, and keep safe.

_-Riza'_

Ed reread the letter over once more to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. Yup, it was Riza's writing all right.

He undid the ribbon in his hair already and rebraided his hair. He took the ribbon she gave him and tied the end up into a bow.

Birthdays weren't bad. The best part of the day was when you got a special _'take-home'_ gift that you couldn't open till you were alone. Those gifts were the special ones, because they were simple yet so full of love.

**-Fin-**


End file.
